"There's Something WRONG With The Cows" | ClancyPasta PRESENTS

[00:00:00] This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans.

[00:00:31] ClancyPasta presents, There's Something Wrong With The Cows by Unfamiliar Fondue. And you're listening to ClancyPasta. Relax, Olive. Relax. I cooed to her while stroking her shiny black hair. She was exhausted, lying on her left side with heavy labored breaths.

[00:01:02] You must have been up real early this morning. I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner. She looked back at me with wild eyes. I had her hips bound to the barn's supporting beam and her head into a locked stall door so she couldn't suddenly roll or jerk.

[00:01:21] The rope to her head restrained lightly brushing the ground as she lay her head back down and watched me step over it to wash my hands and arms, put on my gloves, and apply a generous amount of lube. All right. You're doing great, Olive. Let's get this done. I knelt down beside her and reached inside. One leg.

[00:01:51] Two legs. And... Well, it feels like it's a boy. After some time, I was able to get both legs out far enough to wrap the chain above the ankles and connect it to the pulley system. I gently pulled every time she had a contraction as to not break the legs. And after an hour, he was finally fully born.

[00:02:19] I rushed over to remove the rest of the placenta and mucus off of the calf and moved him away so Olive wouldn't accidentally kill him as I unbound her. An hour and a half after that, Timothy shakily made his way over to his mother and nursed. I sat under the old cedars that surrounded my house at the back edge of my cleared pasture.

[00:02:49] I scanned the highway that cut between my lightly hilled pasture and my cornfield. It used to be busier some time ago, when Allie and I were the young couple of the area. But as time took our distant neighbors, it, too, took the liveliness of that highway. There's only a few people who travel through this way every once in a while. I drank my coffee to take my attention away from the loneliness

[00:03:16] and to perk me up from the long morning as Jeffrey tracked his way up to me. Good morning, Jeffrey. Congrats on your new boy. Jeffrey was an abnormally large Aberdeen Angus, standing just under six foot and weighing over 2,800 pounds.

[00:03:44] While he has always been gentle around me, I always stay slightly cautious due to the horror stories of farmers having their chest caved in. Jeffrey came right up to me and sniffed at my coffee. Now, what did you do this morning to deserve this? I chided as Jeffrey nudged his snout against my hand. All right, fine. You can have a bit.

[00:04:11] I tilted my mug towards him when he lapped it up a couple of times. Jeffrey drew his head back and repeatedly licked the air to get the taste out of his mouth. To help, I pulled out a graham cracker from my large cargo pocket and gave it to him, which he happily accepted. I don't know why you always try my coffee. You don't even like it. Wiping his slobber off with the bottom of my shirt.

[00:04:41] Jeffrey went to lay a few feet beside me, taking in the scenery as well and kept me company as I finished my cup. The rest of the herd was grazing, scattered along the main hill of my pasture. Except for Cherry, it was by the barbed-wired fence. She caught my eye by swinging her head side to side like a pendulum, and after a few swings, she hopped around then trotted off up the hill towards the barn.

[00:05:11] I chugged the rest of my coffee, got up, and jogged towards the barn to intercept her just outside. Whoa, Cherry, you can't go in quite yet. You'll stress Olive out. What's wrong, girl? She had her head cocked to the side like her ear was bothering her. I went to check it, and nothing was overtly obvious. She let me pat her side as I told her to relax,

[00:05:40] while I pulled up the video feed inside the barn to see how Olive and Timothy were doing. It won't be long now, Cherry. See? I showed her my phone. Both Olive and Timothy were up, so I probably could have let Cherry in, but I wasn't sure what had her acting up, and I didn't want her stressing them out. I led Cherry away towards the tree line on the other side of the barn,

[00:06:09] where one of the water troughs were. She complied, but didn't drink, so I left her in the shade, walked back into my house, and went on with my day as normal. The rest of the week went well, even with the extra work to ensure Timothy didn't die for one reason or another. He seemed to adjust quickly to his newfound life, and as Sunday came around, I decided to socialize and go to church.

[00:06:37] I enjoyed the sermon Sunday morning as the pastor retold Luke 8, 26-39, and related it to the series they had been doing on the absolute power of Jesus, and how he used it to help those in need, whether we felt if they deserved it or not. I almost forgot the reason why I seldomly came to church, until Connie walked up to me after the service ended.

[00:07:08] Well, hi, John! I almost missed you back here all by yourself. How's your little cow venture going? She said as she waddled in front of me. Her voice acquired a slight old-person gravel since the last time we spoke, something I wouldn't have noticed, let alone care about, if it were anyone else. Connie's blonde dyed hair was thin,

[00:07:36] and she now had the same slouched posture that mom had before she passed. Hey, sis. Pretty good, actually. I hit my stride this past year, and things have been looking up. Just had a new boy calf that should be able to take up Jeffrey's job before he gets too old, and the cows have more than made up for the losses from the diseased corn. Wow, that's great, John.

[00:08:04] Allie only had to stick it out a few more years with you, and then maybe you two could have focused on being happy rather than the struggle. I flexed my jaw. It's not proper to cuss someone out in church, auntie's sister, or otherwise, I thought. Yeah, I guess. Have you heard from her or her family lately? Is she doing okay?

[00:08:35] Oh, John, look at you caring about how she feels. I'm so proud of you. Not many of her family members are left since you two decided not to have children, but I did hear from her cousin the other week. She's doing good down in North Carolina, and even found a boyfriend who they say she's happy with. Her wrinkled lips curled back even more. She probably thought the news of Allie being happy with her new boyfriend would get to me.

[00:09:06] But to my surprise, it didn't. Relief washed over me as I realized that I didn't cause Allie to be unhappy for the rest of her life. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files,

[00:09:35] and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode, available on Plus and Pro plans. Thanks, Connie. Maybe I'll see you before your funeral. I sighed. My lack of anger seemed to befuddle the old hag as she tried to retort, but I left in the middle of her response.

[00:10:06] I made my way back to my home and checked on the herd. The next couple weeks passed uneventfully. The only real thing of note is a gray truck that passes by the property most mornings and nights. Normally it comes through once a month or so, but about once a year it passes by around six days a week for a month and a half. I was getting through my morning raisin bran and coffee in my living room

[00:10:34] and watched the truck pass by. Once finished, I went to let the herd out of the barn. Good morning, Jeffrey. Ginger, how you doing, ma'am? Bree, Brandy, good morning. How's it going, honey? Hey, Miss Olive and Mr. Timothy. I greeted every cow as they left the barn, except for one.

[00:11:04] Cherry, where you at, girl? You okay? Calling out as I headed into the barn. Cherry was in the back left corner, backside facing me. I could see that she was breathing heavily as I cautiously came around, taking a wine berth. As more of her came into view, I saw that she had her head pressed flat against the corner and a mixture of drool and blood

[00:11:34] roped from her snout to the ground. Shit, Cherry, what happened? I saw Cherry's skin tighten on the back of her neck and then a violent shiver ran down her spine. She suddenly bucked backwards and turned towards me. The blood came from her nostrils, reciprocating in and out as she breathed. I turned and ran for the barn door as I saw her shoulders tense.

[00:12:04] And the next thing I knew, I was facing the ceiling airborne. The wind was knocked out of me when I landed on my left shoulder. I panicked as I struggled to breathe and get up, but I collapsed again as I realized my left shoulder was dislocated. Cherry turned back to face me, swinging her head like a pendulum again and slowly staggered forward. She was only a few feet away from me

[00:12:33] until she abruptly stopped and turned her head to check the barn door. Jeffrey let out a loud snort and stomped on the ground as he came into view, standing just past the precipice of the barn. Cherry turned to face him fully, and another line of bloody drool hung from her snout. I could see her skin tense up again to steal herself for another charge,

[00:13:03] but she lost her temper when Jeffrey let out a sharp huff and stomped on the ground again. She backed away slowly, and once she was behind me, I stumbled onto my feet and ran out the barn and locked the door behind me. I heard one last thud against the far wall, and I checked my phone to see that Cherry shoved her head back into the far corner of the barn again.

[00:13:34] Thanks, Jeffrey! I exclaimed as I took a bag of graham crackers, now crushed, from my pocket, opened it, and left it on the ground for Jeffrey to enjoy. You should have called an ambulance, Nurse Sarah scolded me. Your left floating rib is broken, on top of your shoulder being dislocated, and you live over 50 miles away.

[00:14:03] What if you passed out and killed yourself or someone else on your way over here? Nah, I won't pass out. This ain't the first time a cow has put me on my ass. I don't see a reason I have to pay double just to have some ambulance taxi me to you. Which she knew, since she was the one who treated most of my injuries when I first started raising cattle a few years ago. Sarah was a fiery, short brunette

[00:14:32] about ten years younger than me. I've never really been social, and when Allie left, I was a recluse. But when I first met Sarah, as she had to put a splint on a broken toe, I acquired from kicking a post in frustration, it was just easy. I could see her annoyance grow in my statement. Flirting brings her back around every time. There's no way

[00:15:02] some young paramedic could reset my shoulder as good as you. And, they wouldn't have been as pretty. A sharp pain stabbed through my side as she butted her clipboard into me. Don't you try to butter me up, Jonathan. This is more serious than the other times, and you're too old to be getting injured like this. Don't tell me that. How else am I supposed to see you? I smirked through my short blonde beard

[00:15:31] and stared, what I thought was romantically, into her eyes. In response, she rolled her eyes and lightly backhanded my hurt shoulder. Hurry up and get out of here so I can see you again next time then, she said with a smirk. See? Every time. I called the vet, Steve, as I left the hospital with some ments

[00:16:01] and told him what happened with Cherry. He guessed that it was some sort of upper respiratory infection which caused her discomfort and to become irate. I confirmed that I had her isolated from the rest of the herd and he told me he was available this evening. I struggled to get through my daily chores as I waited. Steve arrived a little earlier than expected as I hurriedly hobbled to open the gate but he waved me off to tell me not to worry about it

[00:16:31] as he quickly got out of his car, opened the gate and then pulled through. I was most of the way there at this point and rushed to close the gate behind him. Wow, John, you look like shit. Need a ride? I feel like shit. Yeah, thanks, Steve. I said as I hopped into the passenger seat and we drove up to the side of my house.

[00:17:00] I got out of the car and went up to my porch, pulled out a box of graham crackers and rang my porch bell. Come on now, snack time! I called out to the herd. They all perked up and trotted over. I'm sorry I couldn't have them lined up in the barn for you this time, Steve. Cherry's locked up in there and I didn't want to risk the rest of the herd getting sick. Well, I was going to check

[00:17:30] on her first to see what she has. Steve looked over to me while patting cinnamon on her side. Oh, that makes more sense. Sorry, it's been a long day. It's all right, John. Here, how about you go ahead and call it a night? You look like you're in pain just standing there. He said sincerely, I'll take care of them and leave you whatever you may need. You can call

[00:18:00] me in the morning if you have questions. I was about to protest but decided to comply. I thanked him, gave him the box of graham crackers and turned in for the night. The morning sun woke me up late. I must be getting old, it's already seven o'clock. I stumbled downstairs and found a bottle of saline along with a note.

[00:18:30] John. The herd seems fine, they enjoyed the crackers. Timothy is such a curious fella, he was halfway in my back seat when I gathered more supplies. I had to gently lead him away as to not piss off Olive. Cherry seemed okay when I checked on her. She only had some blood dried up in her nostrils. She may have sucked something up her nose that irritated her and caused her to act up. I cleaned her up and left

[00:19:00] another bottle of saline you can use to rinse just in case. Call me if you need anything. Best, Steve. Really? I got all beat up over something flying up Cherry's nose? I chuckled to myself. I looked out my living room window to check on the herd but all I saw was Cherry stumbling around on top of the main

[00:19:29] hill and I rushed out the best I could to investigate. As I got closer I could see the rest of the herd along the fence and Timothy was halfway up the hill heading towards Cherry. Timothy? Stay back! I yelled. He ignored me and continued his ascent. Cherry stopped and stared at him as if she was waiting for him to get closer. Before

[00:19:59] he could Olive charged and rammed into Cherry's side. Cherry rolled but ended back on her feet. She then swung her head into Olive causing Olive to stumble back and fall onto Timothy as I heard an awful snap. Olive got back onto her feet and chased after Cherry who ran oddly legs swinging outwards away towards the

[00:20:29] open gate. Fuck why is the gate open? I couldn't catch them before they got out and made it into the cornfield. I closed the gate to prevent the rest of the herd from getting out and chewed away brie and pepper from where Timothy laid. His eye was popped out of its socket, his head was turned upward 90 degrees and I could see a section of his spine bulge against the

[00:21:09] house to grab my 410 side by side and walked back over to Timothy. Don't worry, this will all be over soon. I cried as I loaded his body into the trailer. I've only sent my cows to slaughter before him. Timothy was the first one I had to do myself. My reflection stared back at me for hours

[00:21:39] as I sat with my coffee under the cedars. Numbly analyzing my short graying blonde hair I was stuck to my forehead due to sweat. My days only broken as I heard my gate creak against itself. I looked up to find Cherry Olive and Poppy at the gate staring blinkly at me. When did

[00:22:08] Poppy get out? I way down to them grasping my side to hold the soreness and stopped feet before the gate to make sure they weren't irate. They stood there motionless staring at me and it didn't look like they were breathing. Their ribs suddenly flared in and out in unison as if they could tell I noticed their abnormality. We stared at each other for minutes as I thought

[00:22:38] through what I should be better to bring them in and get Steve over here so we can figure out what's going on with them. Alright girls let's get you in here. I tried to be calm as to not alarm them and open the gate. The three drunkenly stumbled into the pasture and I noticed that their hair was crusty as if they were

[00:23:08] covered in mucus that recently dried up. What did y'all get into? Poppy who took up the rear of the line stopped and stood still. I kept the gate between us. I'm not risking getting launched again and Jeffrey wouldn't be able to get out

[00:23:44] a second for what was happening to register but Poppy's skin had a slight but rapid ripple similar to how water moves in a glass that is sitting on a speaker. The ripple originated from her stomach and made its way over her entire body. It stopped shortly after that and Poppy stumbled up the hill joining cherry and olive. Maybe she had an intense muscle spasm?

[00:24:15] I closed the gate and made my way back into my house keeping an eye on those three. Hey John can I come Steve I need you over here. I stammered over myself trying to explain all that went on today. Steve probably didn't understand most of what I said. John I'm sorry I can't make it

[00:24:46] I can't go in a week. A week? Steve I don't know what's going on with them. I'm sorry but I have to go. I'll see you later. Bye. I threw my phone out of frustration. Memories flooded back of when I

[00:25:17] found by the time Allie and I found it. I lost just under 80% of my harvest that year. It was lucky that the APIHS a department of the USDA bought most of what was left to study

[00:25:50] watching the three cows stumble around the hill as the sun went down. My focus on them only broken when I saw the gray truck pass by on the highway and I went to pick up my phone to check on the barn. Great. I completely shattered the screen. The sun was setting at this point and I decided that it would be best to wait till the morning to wrangle the girls into a smaller

[00:26:19] section and let the herd have the feel to themselves. I went to bed restless mind racing on what was going to happen and how best to handle each scenario. My thoughts were interrupted by panicked mooing and the rumbling of hooves. I sprang up and ran down to my living room only seeing frantic moonlit outlines of the cows. I went to my kitchen to grab my flashlight and shotgun

[00:26:49] and made my way out to the porch. The flashlight barely helped as everyone was erratic until I caught the massive shadow of Jeffrey intently chasing something. I focused the light onto him and saw he was running off Olive who was quickly slithering on her stomach like a snake out of nowhere. Cherry crashed through the railing of my

[00:27:19] porch and closed the distance before I could fully turn to her and fire. Her head took out my legs and I fell onto her back as she quickly slithered down the porch steps and took me into the field. My attempts to roll off of her were unsuccessful as her skin undulated and rippled around my right leg gripping me like a vice. My body swayed

[00:27:49] side to side and I hammered down my flashlight repeatedly into her side in an attempt to make her release me to no avail. Suddenly I tumbled to ground Cherry narrowly missing me as she was flipped onto her back. Jeffrey then violently rammed into her side pushing her feet away from me. I put my light onto her Jeffrey's legs shadowing part of her body as he backed

[00:28:19] up between me and Cherry her skin was twisted around her like a blanket as she rolled around back onto her stomach to correct it. She faced me once after her body corrected itself and then bolted past us on her stomach. I followed her with my light to see her head for the open gate and I was just able to see Olive and Poppy pursue the

[00:28:48] rest of the herd into the cornfield. Jeffrey gave chase ignoring my protests and pleas for him to stay as I watched him disappear into the corn after Cherry. I ran after them adrenaline fueling me past the leaves of my corn stalks who smacked against me as if they were trying to hold me back. Jeffrey's loud stride although growing faint guided me through the acres of corn

[00:29:18] towards the woods. Jeffrey was almost inaudible when I entered the woods. I used my flashlight to show me the path of multiple hooves and large winding grooves in the soft forest floor. I cautiously followed for a few minutes winding through the forest until I heard a clamor of

[00:29:48] mooing and I picked up my as I approached its source. Shadows danced amongst the trees as the unpleasant cries from my herd reached their crescendo all of which abruptly stopped just before the scene presented itself to me as I ran into a clearing.

[00:30:19] The herd stood in a uniform line facing me. Their hair glistened as the light from a floating metallic platform reflected off their slime covered hair. A writhing mass was covered by the herd's shadow but I could see the shimmered outline of hundreds of small masses make their way into a large cow hide. I watched in horror

[00:30:49] as Jeffrey stood up skin settling into place and me. I brought my shotgun up and pointed at Jeffrey but the entire herd fell onto their stomachs as the first shot hit air. Jeffrey slithered towards me and lunged at my arm knocking my shotgun up and the second shot hit the platform. He fully engulfed my right arm

[00:31:17] but instead of teeth I felt wet masses swirl around my skin as grasp. I stabbed Jeffrey's eye with my flashlight as he dragged me across the ground towards the platform. Purple pus cried out and then my flashlight was sucked into his socket and a new cow eye formed in its place.

[00:31:49] A beam of light suddenly surrounded my lower three quarters of my body and my left arms making that part of the ground I followed the trail of light to the center of the floating platform which spun in the air I frantically grasped around in Jeffrey's mouth the slimy masses evading me until I found something to hold onto I turned back to

[00:32:19] Jeffrey to see my fist clenching the skin between his eyes pulling them forward like a the beam began to lift both of us off of the ground and I could feel my body tear as Jeffrey pulled away from me my strength gave way to his weight and I launched toward the platform my back striking the edge of the center circle

[00:32:48] and blood squirted everywhere my consciousness came in and out as I fell into a pit under the platform another beam of light caught me before I hit the ground as I finally passed out

[00:33:30] get started at chat gpt dot com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans

[00:34:02] avatar fire and ash now stream on disney plus rated pg 13 i awoke standing alone in the forest dazed and confused it seemed to be midday as i looked around finding a cleared path that seemed to lead back out to the cornfield jeffrey

[00:34:33] my voice was muffled and my jaw went slack as i called out i went to feel my face but only my right hand rose i looked down at my body and while it seemed normal there was a fuzzy static effect around my left arm in lower three quarters when i failed to move them i began to violently around my

[00:35:03] top quarter eventually floating off the rest of my body and i became inverted my surroundings became coated in a red light and then disappeared revealing that i was suspended in a pink tinted viscous liquid there were red lasers scanning me and i saw that i was in a glass paned room when i looked out of the room i could see a large

[00:35:33] hideless cow in a similar room across from me panic started to set in as i was instantly transported to a scene of me sitting down under my cedar trees the hideless cow being replaced by jeffrey as he turned to look at me relax he struggled to say

[00:36:02] his voice sounded like a low guttural version of mine i did not as i tried to scream for help the visage of jeffrey was taken away from the scene and sunlight and a gentle breeze washed over me a feeling of relief and calm unnaturally grew and i smiled as memories of ally and sarah played

[00:36:32] in my mind their voices were muffled as if i was underwater and i felt a wriggle shoot up my neck that was also trying to understand what they were saying i ignored it and reached out to them my body still struggling to move i shifted my focus on remembering how to stand properly and walk a feeling of bliss filling

[00:37:02] me as the fuzzy parts of my body slowly twitch to life ally and sarah eagerly calling out to me as i slowly worked my way hey it's bill simmons from the bill

[00:37:32] simmons podcast have you guys heard about chat gpt work it's the new way to use chat gpt for bigger multi-step projects and when you fire and ash is now streaming on

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