"My Kitchen Knife is Missing" | ClancyPasta PRESENTS

[00:00:00] Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney Plus. What are you waiting for? Hop on. The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney Plus. This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this kid. Always wear your seatbelt. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu, now streaming on Disney Plus. Rated PG-13.

[00:00:31] When the going gets tough, get after it with NOS Energy. Keep your foot flat to the floor and never let off. Thunder from top gear to no fear. Never back down. Never slow down. Your body is machined with 800 horses coursing through its veins. So go hard. Go fast. Go on. Grab a can of NOS Energy and get after it. ClancyPasta presents,

[00:01:00] I woke up to every knife in our kitchen laid out biggest to smallest. The second biggest one is missing. By Andy Mosk. And you're listening to ClancyPasta. I found my roommate Sean on Craigslist.

[00:01:30] He seemed like a decent guy on a ten minute walkthrough. A few months in, it was obvious he's an alcoholic. There were way too many vodka bottles left by the recycling in a short amount of time. Then, one afternoon, I left a couple dishes in the sink. He came home and lost it. Called me passive-aggressive. Said I thought he was a pushover.

[00:01:59] Then he announced he wasn't passive-aggressive. He was aggressive-aggressive. Improved it with a list of insults I won't repeat. We haven't spoken out loud since. Rent. Trash. Wi-Fi. All of it goes through text. Even though his bedroom shares a wall with mine. You need to understand the apartment.

[00:02:29] It's a railroad-style place. One long hall with rooms branching off it. Front to back. Living room. Bathroom. Sean's room. My room. Kitchen. One straight line. The hallway is narrow. When two people meet, somebody turns sideways and slides past. Now, it's the worst three seconds of my day.

[00:02:59] I look at the floor. Turn my shoulder. Hold my breath. I haven't looked Sean in the face in months. This past weekend, I woke up around 2am needing to pee. I never use the hall light. I go by feel. My right hand on the wall. Five steps in. The hallway got tighter.

[00:03:30] You know how you can feel someone standing too close in the dark? A second before they touch you? That. Then a shoulder against mine. A hip. An arm brushing my arm as they turned sideways to fit. Exactly the way we always do. I screamed. A short, high, stupid scream.

[00:03:59] It was a familiar experience. But I wasn't expecting it so late at night in the pitch black, dark. Sean didn't flinch. Didn't say sorry or anything. He just kept going. Steady and unhurried. Toward the kitchen. I felt embarrassed. Then annoyed.

[00:04:28] Then I remembered we don't talk anymore. So I went to the bathroom. When I came out, the kitchen light was on. Laying a long yellow stripe down the floorboards. I checked my phone first. I charged it in the living room because the outlet in my room fried the logic board on my last iPhone. 2.09am.

[00:04:59] Charging. I thought about taking it with me. Then I left it. I'm going to think about that for the rest of my life. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu is now streaming on Disney+. What are you waiting for? Hop on.

[00:05:25] The must-see galactic adventure comes home on Disney+. This is the way. Our only chance is to work together. I like this, kid. Always wear your seatbelt. Star Wars The Mandalorian and Grogu. Now streaming on Disney+. Read PG-13. When the going gets tough, get after it with NOS Energy.

[00:05:53] Keep your foot flat to the floor and never let off. Thunder from top gear to no fear. Never back down. Never slow down. Your body is machined with 800 horses coursing through its veins. So go hard. Go fast. Go on. Grab a can of NOS Energy. And get after it. I walked toward the light. Past Sean's door. The loose board creaking under my foot like always.

[00:06:25] That's when I started hearing the kitchen. Sean at 2am is not quiet. A weird noise from that kitchen is a normal night. So I was irritated. Not scared. First, the fridge. It opened and stayed open. A full minute of the compressor whining like someone standing there soaking up the cold.

[00:06:54] Then it closed. Softly. A little click. Then the faucet. Not filling a glass. A thin stream hitting an empty basin. For way too long. I got in bed. I didn't lock it. I've never locked it.

[00:07:24] My room shares a wall with the kitchen so I heard everything. Under the water. A low hum. One flat note. Held until the breath ran out. Then again. Then the water shut off. I heard a slow... Like a blade easing out of a slot.

[00:07:53] A heavy tonk on the counter. A long pause. Then shick. Tick. Shick. Tick. Shook. Quicker. Lighter. Each one a little softer than the last. Like someone setting a table or something.

[00:08:22] Something wouldn't sit right. Not the sounds. The care in them. Sean slams everything. Cabinets. Doors. The toilet lid. The man has never done one thing carefully in his life. Then it hit me. Sean? Wasn't home. He'd texted Thursday.

[00:08:51] Out of town for the weekend. Sean was in Virginia. Which meant the person who dragged an arm down mine in the dark. Was not Sean. The line of light under my door went out. I don't remember crossing the room. I remember the little button on the knob and the sound it made when I pushed it in.

[00:09:19] It was the loudest thing I've ever heard. Then nothing. And in a railroad apartment. The kitchen is the dead end. The only way out runs past my door. And I hadn't heard anyone walk by. So whoever it was stood in the dark kitchen. Or right outside my door. Listening to me. Listen.

[00:09:49] A few minutes passed. Then the doorknob turned. A quarter turned to the right until it hit the lock. Then back. Click. Again. Click. Click. Not frantic. Patient. Like someone checking whether the door was still locked.

[00:10:17] Sean has never once tried my door. Whatever else he is. He respects that door. For thirty seconds I prayed it was him. Drunk and home early. I whispered his name. Sean? It stopped. A dead stop. The instant I said it.

[00:10:47] Like it was. Listening. Twenty seconds later. The knob started turning again. Exactly the same. It went on for an hour. A minute of clicking. A long silence. Just long enough to believe it was over. Then click. I sat on the edge of my bed. Blanket in both fists.

[00:11:15] Watching a dull little shape in the dark turn and turn back. It never got louder. It never said a word. Then it stopped. I waited for the loose board outside Sean's door to groan. Nothing. I never heard them leave. I fell asleep sitting up.

[00:11:45] I woke to sunlight. For three seconds I thought I'd dreamed it. Then I saw the lock was still pushed in. I opened the door an inch at a time. Empty hallway. Sun down the floorboards. I should have gone straight for my phone. Instead I turned toward the kitchen.

[00:12:15] I needed to know what I'd been listening to. Since the dish fight I wiped that counter down every night. So there was nothing on it that morning. But the knives. The knife. Every knife we own. In a single perfect line. Biggest to smallest. Every blade pointed at the window.

[00:12:42] Every handle lined up along the edge. Evenly spaced. Like instruments. On a surgeon's tray. The wooden block stood empty. Between the first knife and the third. There was a gap. One knife's width of bare counter. The spacing was so even you could see where the missing one belonged.

[00:13:11] I checked the drawers. The sink. Under the stove. Nothing. I texted Sean and told him what happened. He sent a selfie from his sister's porch in Virginia. Squinting into the sun. He'd driven down Friday. I called the police. They said there was no forced entry.

[00:13:40] They photographed the counter. Took prints from the knives. I'm still waiting on the results. But here's what I can't stop replaying. Whoever it was. Passed me the way Sean does. Turned their shoulder. Took the same few inches. They went around me like they'd done it a hundred times.

[00:14:08] And I never looked up. I never look up. For all I know. It wasn't the first time. I know I should leave. But I don't have a somewhere else. I'm scared. Shitless.

[00:14:31] Thank you all so much for listening to tonight's episode of Clancy Pasta. I really hope you enjoyed. Thank you to all of the supportive and kind comments I've gotten. And if you would like to listen to these episodes ad-free, you can always go to patreon.com slash clancypasta.

[00:14:59] And if you join the $2 tier, or a higher one, but at least the $2 tier, you get access to all the new Clancy Pasta Presents episodes ad-free. So again, thank you so much for listening. And I will talk to you all very soon. Have a great night.

[00:15:51] When the going gets tough, get after it with NOS Energy. Keep your foot flat to the floor and never let off. Thunder from top gear to no fear. Never back down. Never slow down. Your body is machined with 800 horses coursing through its veins. So go hard. Go fast. Go on. Grab a can of NOS Energy and get after it.