"I've Been Taking Advice From a TALKING CRICKET... It's Not as Fun as it Sounds" by CrossingOnOver | CLANCYPASTA

[00:00:00] Ive never been good at making decisions. Some days even a lunch order can trigger a panic attack. Should I get a sandwich or would a pizza be better? Or maybe tacos? Do I get it delivered or eat it there? So many choices. Too many.

[00:00:15] Luckily mom was always there to make the tough calls for me. Thanks to her I got an office job with benefits. My personal life was free from drama. We lived together in a nice apartment. It was a quiet life, but a good one. A safe one.

[00:00:29] Until I came home from work and found her dead in the living room. The doctors said she suffered from a pulmonary embolism. They assured me there was nothing I could have done, even if I was there. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling I had failed her.

[00:00:47] Dad died when I was young. I don't have any siblings and the rest of our family is estranged. I was her special little boy. The only person she had left in the entire world. And I let her die alone. Even with that guilt hanging over my head. The first few weeks were easier than expected. She left arrangements for the funeral and I buried myself in assuring they went perfectly. But after her body was lowered into the earth, things went south.

[00:01:16] Fast. Fast. Every decision became life or death. Shave my beard or let it grow. Do the laundry or wait a couple days. Sweep? Mop? Dust? All the little things I took for granted piled up so high I couldn't bear the weight of them anymore.

[00:01:32] It got so bad I called off work. If only to reduce the number of choices in my day.

[00:01:38] For a whole week, I sat in the apartment we used to share, staring at the walls and nibbling on the stale snacks left over in my pantry.

[00:01:46] I didn't leave my room unless my bodily functions demanded it.

[00:01:50] Then the morning finally came when I crawled out to forage for food and there was nothing left.

[00:01:57] I stared into the empty pantry as the reality of my situation washed over me.

[00:02:03] I was out of food. I needed to get more. Did I have enough money? Of course I did. Mom left everything she had.

[00:02:11] But what was my budget? She always took care of that kind of thing. And even if that got sorted out, where should I go?

[00:02:17] What should I get? The usual? Something to cheer me up? Enough for a week? For a day?

[00:02:24] Oh dear. What a state you're in. Perhaps you should take a shower.

[00:02:28] The words snapped me out of my reverie. I looked around, but no one else was in the apartment.

[00:02:34] I even checked the deadbolt just to be sure. Once I was sure I was alone, I forced a laugh.

[00:02:41] What I'd perceived as a voice was an errant thought. Nothing more.

[00:02:45] In hindsight, I should have questioned why my internal monologue had a woman's voice.

[00:02:51] But I wasn't in the most stable frame of mind, and I did need to clean up.

[00:02:55] So I trudged to the bathroom and forced myself to take a shower.

[00:03:00] The water was refreshing, and the act of cleaning made me feel like a person instead of a husk.

[00:03:06] Once I finished scrubbing myself, I got dressed and decided to go on a grocery run.

[00:03:12] Everything went well until I grabbed the knob to leave.

[00:03:16] As my hands touched the cold brass, a thought occurred to me.

[00:03:20] I knew how to get to the grocery store, of course, but it was a weekend afternoon.

[00:03:26] There'd be a lot of people there.

[00:03:28] Did I still smell? Did I look okay?

[00:03:30] Would everyone sense something was wrong with me?

[00:03:32] What if I embarrassed myself or broke down in the middle of the aisle?

[00:03:36] Logically, I knew none of that mattered.

[00:03:39] I was hungry.

[00:03:40] I needed food.

[00:03:42] But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make myself turn the knob.

[00:03:47] Visions of disgusted grocery clerks swam before my eyes.

[00:03:52] I couldn't face that.

[00:03:54] Wouldn't.

[00:03:55] What are you waiting for?

[00:03:57] No sense in dilly-dallying.

[00:03:59] I jumped.

[00:04:00] It was the same voice as before, but this time I knew it wasn't in my head.

[00:04:05] I demanded to know who was there.

[00:04:08] Here, pop it.

[00:04:09] On the table.

[00:04:11] I turned to my kitchen table and saw a brown cricket staring at me.

[00:04:16] It was a bit small, but otherwise indistinct.

[00:04:20] I wasn't sure how it had gotten in.

[00:04:22] I'd shut the windows, right?

[00:04:24] Was there more than one?

[00:04:25] Do I need to call an exterminator?

[00:04:27] I was sure mom would have called the exterminator.

[00:04:30] Did she have one she preferred?

[00:04:32] God, there was so much she hadn't told me.

[00:04:35] Please quit staring.

[00:04:36] It's very rude.

[00:04:38] The cricket said its mandibles twitched in time to the words.

[00:04:43] I expressed my amazement with an expletive.

[00:04:47] Hmm, the cricket snorted.

[00:04:49] There's no need for that sort of language.

[00:04:52] I apologized and explained I'd never seen a talking cricket before.

[00:04:57] Oh, no offense taken, it chuckled.

[00:05:00] Normally I'd keep my mouth shut tight, but I've been watching you.

[00:05:04] You seem like a nice young man, but you clearly need a little extra help.

[00:05:08] Why don't I move in for a bit?

[00:05:10] I won't need much, just some food and space to roam.

[00:05:15] Even in the lowest depths of my depression, I was hesitant to accept its offer.

[00:05:20] The cricket seemed sensible enough, but a talking bug is still a bug.

[00:05:26] Oh, silly me.

[00:05:27] Here I am asking you to make a big decision on an empty stomach.

[00:05:31] Run to the grocery and stock up for a week.

[00:05:33] Don't worry, you'll be just fine.

[00:05:35] Off you go.

[00:05:37] I hesitated for a moment, then turned the doorknob and left for the grocery store.

[00:05:42] The trip was uneventful.

[00:05:45] I was worried the clerk would comment on how much I was buying, but he didn't say anything.

[00:05:50] When I returned home, the cricket heralded my arrival with a cheerful chirp.

[00:05:55] Well done!

[00:05:56] See?

[00:05:56] Not hard at all, right?

[00:05:58] I conceded the cricket was right, and then I felt much better.

[00:06:02] It chirped again and hopped closer.

[00:06:04] Without thinking, I held out my hand and it hopped into my palm.

[00:06:09] So, can I stay?

[00:06:11] After a few moments' consideration, I said yes.

[00:06:15] Excellent!

[00:06:16] Just listen to my advice, Poppet, and everything will be right as rain in no time.

[00:06:21] You'll see.

[00:06:23] So began the cricket's role as my roommate, conscience, and advisor.

[00:06:28] It was a simple routine.

[00:06:30] Every night after I ate dinner, I took the leftovers into Mom's bedroom where the cricket had insisted

[00:06:36] on staying.

[00:06:37] Most days I didn't see it because the room was so big, but it always greeted me with a

[00:06:41] friendly hello.

[00:06:43] Once I got the meal settled, it would play me a soft, calming tune and ask me about my day.

[00:06:48] It patiently listened to what I said, then gave me advice about whatever problem I was

[00:06:53] facing.

[00:06:53] It was very smart, just like Mom was.

[00:06:56] It always knew just what to do.

[00:06:59] All it asked in return was that I shut the bedroom door when I wasn't talking to it.

[00:07:04] I was happy to oblige.

[00:07:06] Our routine was comforting and we were happy together.

[00:07:10] For a while.

[00:07:13] The rifts began when one of my co-workers asked me how long I'd been in my position.

[00:07:19] I realized I'd had the same job for five years.

[00:07:22] I liked my team, don't get me wrong, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked

[00:07:26] the idea of moving up in the company.

[00:07:29] I poked around on our internal job board and found a position which seemed perfect for

[00:07:34] me.

[00:07:34] Same building, better hours, and almost double the pay.

[00:07:38] My co-workers encouraged me to apply, but I wasn't sure.

[00:07:43] That night, I asked the cricket if it thought I should go for it.

[00:07:49] Absolutely not.

[00:07:50] Take it from a lowly cricket.

[00:07:52] There's nothing wrong with staying at the bottom of the food chain.

[00:07:56] Normally, I wouldn't have questioned its judgment, but something about its tone felt off.

[00:08:01] It wasn't gentle, like usual.

[00:08:04] Oh, come now, poppet.

[00:08:06] You already have everything you could possibly need.

[00:08:09] And what about your friends, hmm?

[00:08:11] You don't want to abandon them, do you?

[00:08:13] I admitted it had a point.

[00:08:15] Glad you think so.

[00:08:17] Stay right where you are.

[00:08:18] No need to rock the boat.

[00:08:21] I promised I wouldn't apply for the job, and the cricket was so pleased, it played my favorite

[00:08:26] melody.

[00:08:27] But no matter how much I thought it over, I couldn't help but feel like its advice was

[00:08:32] wrong.

[00:08:34] Figuring I had nothing to lose, I submitted my resume the next day.

[00:08:39] For three weeks, I waited, unsure if I'd made the right call.

[00:08:43] My heart skipped a beat when I got the email asking if I had time for an interview.

[00:08:47] Talking to a stranger who had control over my future career frightened me, but I agreed

[00:08:52] to set some time aside for a meeting.

[00:08:54] I thought about asking the cricket for advice, but I was worried it would get agitated again.

[00:08:59] So I didn't.

[00:09:01] I was on my own.

[00:09:03] The interview felt like it lasted three hours.

[00:09:07] Every question felt like a trick, even the ones I knew the answers to.

[00:09:11] I did my best to look my interviewer in the eye, but she kept staring down at her notepad.

[00:09:16] When it was over, she looked over her notes and said she'd be in touch.

[00:09:21] I knew I'd failed.

[00:09:22] But I must have done something right, because soon after she called back to offer me the

[00:09:28] job.

[00:09:28] I had no clue how I'd pulled it off, but I accepted immediately.

[00:09:34] When I got home that night, I prepared some steaks to celebrate.

[00:09:38] The cricket buzzed in anticipation as I set down its meal.

[00:09:43] My, my, this is a surprise!

[00:09:45] What's the occasion?

[00:09:47] I wanted to lie, but I'd never lied to the cricket before, so I swallowed the urge and

[00:09:53] told it the good news.

[00:09:55] It was silent for a long time.

[00:09:58] I don't understand.

[00:10:01] I thought we agreed you didn't want that.

[00:10:04] I apologized and explained that I couldn't help myself.

[00:10:09] It didn't answer.

[00:10:11] I shifted from foot to foot and looked around the room.

[00:10:15] I could feel it staring at me, but I couldn't figure out where it was.

[00:10:18] That had never bothered me before.

[00:10:21] I wondered if maybe it should have.

[00:10:24] I suddenly realized I hadn't actually seen my companion for a month.

[00:10:30] Hmm.

[00:10:31] It finally tutted.

[00:10:33] Well, you're very lucky, poppet.

[00:10:36] Still, I cannot condone such headstrong behavior.

[00:10:40] Promise me you won't do anything that reckless again.

[00:10:43] I promised.

[00:10:46] Right.

[00:10:47] Good night, then.

[00:10:48] Its tone was final.

[00:10:51] Reluctantly, I turned to leave.

[00:10:53] I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off, so I asked why I hadn't seen it in

[00:11:00] so long.

[00:11:01] Oh, that.

[00:11:02] I'm a bug, dear.

[00:11:04] I prefer the dark.

[00:11:05] That's all.

[00:11:07] I promised I'd buy some blackout shades for it.

[00:11:11] Thank you.

[00:11:12] I waited for it to speak again, but it said nothing.

[00:11:15] I shut the door and left it to sulk.

[00:11:19] The next day, I bought and installed the shades as promised.

[00:11:23] This pleased the cricket, but things changed between us.

[00:11:27] There was a new tone to her advice that I didn't like.

[00:11:31] Her words were sharper, more pointed.

[00:11:34] More than once, I thought I caught a hidden insult.

[00:11:37] I tried to appease it with its favorite foods, but nothing worked.

[00:11:41] It was determined to stay mad at me.

[00:11:44] As my home life deteriorated, life at work became better than ever.

[00:11:49] I was reassigned to a bigger desk, and I still had time to talk with my old team members if

[00:11:54] I wanted.

[00:11:54] The work was an exciting new challenge, and I found I liked it much more than my previous

[00:11:59] job.

[00:12:00] My old team commented that I looked happier.

[00:12:03] If not for the cricket waiting for me at home, I would have agreed.

[00:12:07] With my new desk came new neighbors.

[00:12:10] They were nice enough, but the only one who stood out was a woman who kept glancing at

[00:12:15] me as I worked.

[00:12:16] I didn't think much of it until the day she walked over to my desk and gestured at the

[00:12:20] Y-Wing model I had placed as a decoration.

[00:12:23] I've been meaning to tell you I love your Enterprise.

[00:12:27] Stargate is my favorite.

[00:12:29] The comment threw me.

[00:12:30] Was she joking?

[00:12:32] The kid was clearly from Star Wars, but she'd made two mistakes, and Stargate was a deep

[00:12:38] cut.

[00:12:39] So it was probably a joke.

[00:12:41] I was never good with jokes.

[00:12:43] She seemed nice, and even if she wasn't, I didn't want to come off as stuffy.

[00:12:47] Did I look okay?

[00:12:48] I couldn't remember.

[00:12:49] It became very important that I remembered.

[00:12:52] I must have made a face or something because she laughed.

[00:12:55] Relax, I'm just kidding.

[00:12:57] She offered her hand and smiled.

[00:12:59] I smiled back and shook.

[00:13:02] We held the handshake for a moment too long.

[00:13:05] She didn't seem to mind.

[00:13:07] That night, I told the cricket about what happened.

[00:13:10] When I got to the handshake, it beat its wings angrily, cutting me off.

[00:13:15] Now listen here.

[00:13:17] It buzzed, its words made harsher by the sound of its wings.

[00:13:20] It's always nice to make new friends, but get that dopey look off your face.

[00:13:25] You must keep things professional.

[00:13:27] Office relationships never work out, and you've been taking far too many risks lately.

[00:13:32] I wanted to argue, but as always, it had a point.

[00:13:36] I reluctantly agreed to keep things platonic.

[00:13:40] The buzzing died down, and the cricket sighed.

[00:13:43] Oh dear, I'm afraid I must sound like such a nag, Poppet.

[00:13:47] But it's like you've been going out of your way to paint a target on your back,

[00:13:51] and things have been so awkward between us lately.

[00:13:54] Don't you know I just want what's best for you?

[00:13:56] That all I want is to keep you safe?

[00:13:59] The comment cut deep.

[00:14:01] I apologized and swore I'd make an effort to patch things up.

[00:14:06] And I honestly intended to.

[00:14:08] I really did.

[00:14:09] But life's never that easy.

[00:14:11] As the weeks went on, Courtney and I kept talking.

[00:14:15] It started off small.

[00:14:16] Science fiction we liked, games we'd been meaning to play, Metal Gear memes, that kind of thing.

[00:14:22] The more we talked, the more serious our conversations got.

[00:14:26] Before long, the best part of coming into work was getting to see her.

[00:14:30] She made everything feel easy.

[00:14:32] I didn't stress as much when she was around.

[00:14:35] The only thing I couldn't talk to her about was the cricket.

[00:14:39] That was unfortunate, because the cricket was getting worse.

[00:14:44] It wanted less light, more food, more attention.

[00:14:48] I did my best to indulge it, but our conversations kept leading back to Courtney.

[00:14:54] That made the cricket angry, which only made things worse.

[00:14:57] Our conversations dwindled, and I heard it hopping around in its room and muttering to itself at all hours of the night.

[00:15:05] I spend more time away from home than usual.

[00:15:09] Things came to a head one night when Courtney and I hit a lull in our work.

[00:15:14] She shot me a look she'd never given me before.

[00:15:17] Nervous, but hopeful.

[00:15:19] Are you doing anything tonight?

[00:15:21] I told her I was thinking about spending a night in.

[00:15:24] The cricket had been particularly brisk with me the night before, and I wanted to spend some extra time with it as an apology.

[00:15:32] Oh, okay.

[00:15:33] Courtney slumped into her chair and sighed.

[00:15:36] Something told me to ask if she had something in mind.

[00:15:39] The question made her blush.

[00:15:41] Well, it's nothing big, but do you want to get dinner after work?

[00:15:45] There's this Italian place I've been meaning to try, but I hate going to restaurants alone.

[00:15:51] I'm not good with women, but I'm not dumb.

[00:15:55] I'll spare you the sappy details, but by the end of the night we agreed to give dating a shot.

[00:16:00] I couldn't believe it.

[00:16:02] I was almost delirious with happiness.

[00:16:04] The feeling faded the moment I got home.

[00:16:09] I cursed when I saw the time.

[00:16:11] It was almost midnight.

[00:16:12] The cricket must have been starving.

[00:16:14] I threw together a plate and entered its room.

[00:16:18] Instead of the usual greeting, I was met with silence.

[00:16:22] I stopped in the doorway and called out to let it know I was back.

[00:16:27] It didn't answer.

[00:16:28] That's when I noticed something in the corner of the room that wasn't there before.

[00:16:34] I hesitated for a second, then warned the cricket I was turning on the lights.

[00:16:40] I took the lack of reply as acceptance and flipped the switch.

[00:16:45] In the corner of the room sat the remnants of a molted exoskeleton.

[00:16:51] It was gigantic.

[00:16:53] Six feet long, at least.

[00:16:56] I gagged and looked away, only to find multiple half-eaten shells littering the floor.

[00:17:02] Horror coursed through me.

[00:17:05] How big had this thing gotten?

[00:17:07] Somehow my lizard brain recovered enough to form a coherent thought.

[00:17:13] Get out now.

[00:17:16] I slowly turned around and walked to my front door.

[00:17:20] The cricket, if it could still be called that, dropped from above, blocking my way out.

[00:17:26] It reared to its full height and clicked its mandibles.

[00:17:30] Its head nearly touched the ceiling.

[00:17:33] You're late, it hissed.

[00:17:35] I recoiled in disgust.

[00:17:37] The proportions were all wrong.

[00:17:40] Its abdomen was too short.

[00:17:41] Its thorax was too long.

[00:17:43] Its legs were all different sizes.

[00:17:46] I looked away, trying to keep it at the edge of my vision.

[00:17:50] Look at me when I'm talking to you.

[00:17:52] I forced myself to look at its face.

[00:17:56] The eyes had shifted forward, but hadn't lost their insectoid quality.

[00:18:01] A fleshy bump approximating a nose sat awkwardly in the center of its face.

[00:18:07] Worst of all, hundreds of stringy, hair-like antennae on its scalp twitched in every direction.

[00:18:14] It was the same color as mom's hair.

[00:18:18] My hair.

[00:18:19] Just looking at it made me feel like bugs were crawling over my skin.

[00:18:25] Somehow, I managed to look it in the eye.

[00:18:28] I explained I was on a date.

[00:18:31] Let me guess.

[00:18:33] That Courtney girl?

[00:18:34] Yes.

[00:18:36] I told you not to get too close to her.

[00:18:40] She makes me happy.

[00:18:42] Oh, please.

[00:18:44] You're too sensitive for dating.

[00:18:46] You should end it before she hurts you.

[00:18:48] We've already made plans for a second date.

[00:18:51] She'll never accept us.

[00:18:53] She'll abandon you the moment she meets me.

[00:18:57] She's never meeting you.

[00:18:59] We're done.

[00:19:00] You're not thinking clearly, Poppet.

[00:19:03] Let me play you a song for your nerves.

[00:19:07] The cricket played something on its back legs.

[00:19:10] The mutations warped the melody, shifting it into a screeching mess.

[00:19:16] I covered my ears and winced.

[00:19:19] What's wrong?

[00:19:20] You don't like my music anymore?

[00:19:22] You don't like me anymore?

[00:19:24] After all I've done for you?

[00:19:26] It reached out and stroked my face.

[00:19:29] Disgusted, I shoved its hand away.

[00:19:31] It screeched and slapped me, sending me sprawling to the floor.

[00:19:36] Look at what you've done, you horrible boy.

[00:19:40] I don't want to hit you, but bratty children require correction.

[00:19:46] It kicked me in the ribs so hard I gasped for breath.

[00:19:50] My vision shifted in and out of focus.

[00:19:53] I'd dropped the cricket's dinner and the confusion in the plate had shattered on the floor.

[00:19:58] I stared at one of the shards to anchor myself to consciousness.

[00:20:03] Do you feel like listening now, Poppet?

[00:20:07] I nodded without thinking and realized I was crying.

[00:20:12] The cricket sighed and stroked my hair.

[00:20:15] Its touch disgusted me, but I didn't fight it.

[00:20:21] Shh, good boy, good boy.

[00:20:25] I slowly reached for the plate shard.

[00:20:29] It was difficult to judge where it was through the tears.

[00:20:33] I'd hoped we'd have a little more time together, but you've become incorrigible.

[00:20:40] There's only one way to protect you now.

[00:20:44] Above me, the cricket's jaws clicked in anticipation.

[00:20:49] Hot drool dripped onto my back as one of its legs pinned me to the ground.

[00:20:55] Shh, stay still.

[00:20:57] Everything will be fine, Poppet.

[00:20:59] I'll take care of you.

[00:21:02] Its jaws gnashed together as it tilted my head, exposing my neck.

[00:21:08] My fingers caught the plate shard and closed around it.

[00:21:11] I felt the cricket's hot breath on my skin.

[00:21:14] As the gnashing got louder, louder, I screamed and jabbed the shard into its face as hard as I could.

[00:21:22] It screeched in agony as its exoskeleton crumpled under the blow.

[00:21:27] I didn't look back as I threw it off of me and fled the apartment.

[00:21:31] You ungrateful, spoiled boy!

[00:21:34] It wailed its voice a distorted moan.

[00:21:37] You'll never make it on your own!

[00:21:39] Come back!

[00:21:40] Come back!

[00:21:43] That was three days ago.

[00:21:45] I've been staying at Courtney's.

[00:21:47] She's been nice enough not to ask me about it, but she's starting to worry about why I haven't left the apartment.

[00:21:54] I can tell it's eating at her.

[00:21:56] It's only a matter of time before she confronts me.

[00:21:59] I don't know what to do.

[00:22:02] Maybe that thing is dead.

[00:22:04] Maybe it's still alive, nursing its wounds.

[00:22:07] I'm too scared to check.

[00:22:10] Every day that passes gives it more time to recover.

[00:22:14] Should I make sure it's dead?

[00:22:16] Is it possible to kill something like that?

[00:22:18] What do I do if it's still alive?

[00:22:20] Or if it's not there?

[00:22:21] What if it comes after me?

[00:22:23] What if it comes after Courtney?

[00:22:25] Mom used to say writing things down helped her process them.

[00:22:30] Nobody knows about this account, so I figured it couldn't hurt.

[00:22:35] If nothing else, maybe somebody can give me advice.

[00:22:39] Or a plan.

[00:22:40] Sympathy.

[00:22:42] Anything.

[00:22:43] Tell me what to do.

[00:22:46] Please.