"I Tried to Rush a Bonsai..." | CLANCYPASTA

[00:00:00] I Tried to Rush a Bonsai... by Bilbo Cheated. And you're listening to ClancyPasta. I think I have time to write this. Things have calmed down for now. I have my chair wedged against the door, just in case.

[00:00:25] There's tapping at the window. I'm on the second floor of my house, and there used to be no trees outside my window. I need to find a way out. And this message needs to get out so no one makes the same mistakes.

[00:00:42] We have to go back a few months for you to understand. I had just moved to this new rental home. The only issue was that the landlord did not allow pets, which seemed criminal with a large fenced-in yard. I asked anyway. No pets, he said. I've been burned before. What if I kept up the garden? I asked. Would that change anything?

[00:01:12] About the dog? No. And what about the rent? He looked out at the yard like he was already disappointed with a job I would do. Spring and summer only, he said. That's when the yard will need work. If it starts looking like hell, the discount goes away. Yes, sir.

[00:01:37] Tools are in the basement. That should have been the end of it. Discounted rent. And some yard work. But I still wanted something to scratch that itch. Bonsai was an option. I'd never really considered it before, but... I went all in watching videos, reading forums, buying those expensive little pruners.

[00:02:02] I learned about wiring trunks, exposing roots, and shaping miniature trees over the years. That was the issue. Years. Most of it just waiting around. Especially in the first couple of years. Decades pass before you have anything impressive. Some trees are relatively faster growing. I still wanted the satisfaction of growing the tree from a seed, but...

[00:02:32] I just didn't have the patience for it. One night, I decided to buy seeds. I had to go deep into Google to find non-sponsored links. I wanted seeds from a specialty vendor. On about page 9, I clicked on a site. I can't remember the name, but it had to do with accelerated seed stock,

[00:02:58] and touted seeds that can produce mature-looking bonsai in months. The site looked old, with a white screen, grainy pictures, and blue links. I clicked on one photo link that looked like a Chinese elm. There were no Latin names that I recognized on the site. I am embarrassed by the price I ended up paying. The product had all 5-star reviews, so...

[00:03:27] I was hopeful. One of the most peculiar details that I can remember is... Returns only accepted in original soil and original shipping container. I bought a packet of 3 for a discounted rate and never received a confirmation email. I got back on the site the next morning, and that listing was... gone.

[00:03:55] I thought it was a scam and got a new debit card to be safe. Two weeks passed, and I was surprised by a small but heavy box on my doorstep. The outer cardboard shipping box didn't seem to be postmarked, but I was too excited to care. The inner box was wooden and closed with a brass clasp. The inside was lined with a grayish-blue metal.

[00:04:24] At the top of the small container, there was an instruction card. Germination stock? Three. Use dehydrated soil puck. Enclosed. Keep contained indoors. Do not overwater. Keep in a well-ventilated location. Do not allow root access beyond pot.

[00:04:55] Odd? Yes. But I laughed this off at the time as some branding gimmick. The seeds themselves were larger than I had expected, and I noticed they were warm when I planted them in a small pot in the corner of my den near the floor vent. After a week, I thought I'd been scammed. No growth. No growth. But one morning, I woke up to a small green stock. Finally, one was successful.

[00:05:24] From there, things seemed normal but fast. Within a few weeks, it had a tiny trunk with a branching structure ready to be wired and shaped. I was so happy with the results so far, I wanted to leave a review, but I couldn't find the site. I was so pleased that I even started posting photos to show off the growth.

[00:05:51] My friends were impressed, and the internet thought I was either lying about the age or accusing me of buying it from a nursery. One commenter even suggested that I had misidentified the tree species. These accusations didn't make me angry. They made me proud of my work. It was worth every penny. Soon, it was time for pruning to shape the limbs.

[00:06:18] I spent some time studying the tree before making my first cut. When I did, dark sap began to ooze from the wound. My mouth began to taste as if I had just swallowed my car keys. I hope it isn't diseased. I took all the precautions, I thought. I opened the pruners around the second branch. Before I could close them, another branch snapped across the back of my hand.

[00:06:46] It cut me like a bad paper cut. I told myself, maybe I bumped it and shifted the branches? Or maybe it's a draft. The AC just came on. I finally managed to prune it properly, but I was worried about the sap's smell. But it did its job and sealed up the wounds I caused.

[00:07:13] In my morning, the tree had pushed down new buds from the pruned branches. A few weeks later, the tree had grown enough that I wanted to move it to a larger, nicer bonsai pot. Repotting would also let me expose part of the root system. I thought it would enhance the beauty of the tree. I could also use this to change to a premium bonsai soil mix.

[00:07:41] I was surprised by the weight of the pot. I had to use twice as much strength as I thought to even get it off the table. I almost dropped everything when I encountered more resistance. As I looked back, I noticed the thick, pale roots had grown through the drainage holes. As I tracked it, my eyes traced over to the air vent. The roots had gone between the grates and down into the vent.

[00:08:13] I didn't want to hurt the tree. Bonsai roots can be delicate and are vital to the health of the plate. I didn't want all of this to go to waste. I tried to gently tug it free, but it wouldn't budge. On a closer look, there was a network of pale roots snaking into the darkness of the ductwork. On the one hand, I could just leave it alone.

[00:08:39] But I want this in the new pot, and I can't have roots growing into the HVAC system. I decided to cut it. And when I did, the roots seemed to recoil, and the detached side fell into the ductwork. That sharp metal taste filled my mouth. And with that taken care of, the rest of the potting went well.

[00:09:06] The tree was in its new pot, with its alabaster roots on display. It was absolutely beautiful. For a day or two, everything seemed fine. I noticed the cut root had grown out of the drainage hole of this new pot. It seemed to be growing toward the air vent again. I moved the pot away from the vent, but...

[00:09:33] The next morning, more roots had curved down the sides of the pot, heading in the same direction. I decided to trim these to keep everything in the pot. Overnight, the tree dropped leaves and looked less healthy. I felt guilty. I tried to rationalize that maybe it wasn't getting the ventilation it needed. And this was its way of meeting its needs.

[00:10:00] From there, little things began to happen that I didn't notice enough to care about. The den started to smell like soil, which I thought was due to the newly exposed roots. Then I started to find dust around the air vents in the house. And last month, my water bill spiked, which I thought was related to a tapping I had been hearing in the walls that my landlord refused to come check out.

[00:10:30] A couple of days ago, I had people over for a housewarming party. It was the first time most of my friends had seen the place. I cleaned more than I needed to and rotated the bonsai on the side table so that the light hit it just right. The trunk had thickened into this elegant curve and the exposed roots wrapped over the stone it sat on like pale fingers. The leaves were glossy and dense.

[00:10:58] It looked like something ancient that I had inherited and people noticed immediately. Wait, Emily said, leaning over it with her drink in her hand. Is this the same tree from your pictures? Yeah. No, it isn't. It is, I said proudly. You planted this, what, three months ago? Something like that.

[00:11:27] She looked at me like she had caught me in some lie, but that quickly turned a concern. That's not normal. From the kitchen, somebody said the den smelled like a greenhouse. Someone else said it smelled like pennies. I pretended not to hear that. I haven't smelled anything in weeks.

[00:11:56] Mark wasn't a bad guy. He just makes mistakes when he is drunk. Toward the end of the night, he crouched in front of the bonsai with a beer in his hand and gave it a serious look. This is fake, he said. I ignored him. It looks fake, he said, louder. That means it's doing well, I said, trying to dismiss him.

[00:12:26] You bought a tiny plastic tree and invented a whole personality around it. He reached out and flicked one of the leaves. Not hard, just enough to make it move. I stepped toward him before I even realized I was doing it. Don't. The room went quiet. Mark held up both hands. Sorry, sorry. Didn't know you and Bonnie were serious.

[00:12:57] A few people laughed. I did too. Because I needed him to move on. Then he tipped his beer toward the pot. Banzai! The whole room laughed as a little beer spilled over the rim and darkened the soil. Mark! I scolded automatically. He looked at the pot, then in me. Relax! It's a tree!

[00:13:29] I feel stupid now, but I was angry. A protective kind of anger. Like he had done something to hurt a family member. I got paper towels and dabbed at the soil while everyone moved on. Someone changed the music and the room loosened again. The rest of the night was normal. People drifted between the kitchen, the den, and the back patio.

[00:13:57] The weather was nice enough now to keep the back door open for a while. I had a cooler outside by the steps because my fridge was full. At some point, I remember Mark announcing he was going out to grab another drink, looking at Bonnie, and asking, Want one, babe? Be right back. He went through the kitchen and out the back door and just didn't come back.

[00:14:26] Nobody noticed for a while. By midnight, the stragglers began to head out. Emily was the first one to ask, Where's Mark? I said, He's probably left. His car is still here. His car was parked exactly where it had been, under the oak near the curb.

[00:14:53] His jacket was still hanging over one of my dining chairs. His keys were still in the key box I put out for guests. His phone was on the kitchen island, buzzing every few minutes with messages from the same group chat we were all in. That was when everyone sobered up. We searched the yard with our phone flashlight. We checked everywhere.

[00:15:19] Even the stupid places you check when you know a grown man can't fit, but you check anyway. Someone suggested he got picked up. Someone else said maybe he walked off drunk. Eventually, someone called the police. They came, asked questions, looked around, and took notes. I told them he had gone outside for a beer and never came back.

[00:15:48] So the search focused outward. By the time everyone left, it was almost five in the morning. I stood in the kitchen for a long time after the last car pulled away. The bonsai sat in the den where I had left it. The soil seemed even darker now than when the beer had been spilled. I let it be and went to bed.

[00:16:19] I woke up this morning and I found something green growing out of my kitchen sink. At first, I thought it was a piece of spinach. When I looked longer, I saw three little shoots coming up through the drain. Thin, pale stems with tiny green leaves at the ends. They leaned toward the window over the sink.

[00:16:47] I touched one with a fork. It bent away from the metal. I dropped the fork into the sink as I jumped backwards. That was when I remembered the card from the box. Do not allow root access beyond pot. I thought that meant the roots might make it harder to repot without damaging the plant.

[00:17:18] I grabbed the drain cleaner from under the sink and I poured until the chemical smell burned my nose and the little green shoots disappeared under the liquid. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, all at once, pipes knocked all around me and I thought the house would split in half. A violent and deep metallic banging from inside the wall behind the sink traveled under the floor.

[00:17:46] Then, somewhere toward the den, I stepped back as the drain hissed and the whole counter trembled. Something below me made a low, shifting sound, like furniture being dragged across a room. From the den came a dry rustling of leaves. A thousand tiny movements layered on top of one another, like the tree was shivering.

[00:18:13] As quickly as it had started, the house went quiet and I stood there with the empty bottle in my hand. I thought I had fixed it. I poured boiling water down after it, hoping it would wash out the chemicals from my pipes. I went into the den and saw that the bonsai had outgrown its wire. The training wire I had wrapped so carefully around the trunk to shape it was embedded halfway into the bark.

[00:18:43] The trunk had thickened around it in minutes. The bark bulged around each turn like a ring around a swollen finger. The leaves looked wet, glossy and full. New roots had spilled over the side of the pot and touched the floor. One of them had reached the vent again. A new one had stretched in the opposite direction toward the kitchen.

[00:19:12] I stood in the doorway and tasted metal. I hadn't poisoned it. I fed it. That was when I finally understood what should have been obvious from the beginning. I needed to kill it. I'd only been to the basement a handful of times for the breaker box, but I never took stock of the equipment in the far corner.

[00:19:40] The familiar smell I had become accustomed to was strong in the basement. As I scanned my flashlight across the room, I did not see any roots or branches. I searched the pile. Just a weed whacker, garden shears, shovel, and a machete. I bent over and took the machete. As I stood up, my eyes caught a thin strand hanging off the ceiling beam.

[00:20:11] It was one of the innumerable roots that had slithered across the support beams. As I ran my flashlight across the ceiling, I saw that they also followed the pipes, vents, and electrical lines. The entire house had become a trellis for this thing. In the far corner, I noticed two thicker root tips hanging limply, different than the rest.

[00:20:39] When I took a step toward them, I realized they were shoe laces. A shoe hanging from the ceiling by vines. Another step forward, and that shoe was attached to a leg. As I came closer, I was able to see Mark, held in the air by roots. Some roots simply supported him.

[00:21:09] Others were growing shallow into his skin, still visible like torturous veins. Large roots weaved through the wall of his chest. His eyes were held open by small tendrils hooked in the corners of his eyelids. Two thicker roots disappeared into his mouth.

[00:21:35] Smaller roots followed their path and threaded between his teeth and down his throat. I hoped he was already dead. Then his eyes were pulled towards me and his lips began to move silently under the control of the roots. The roots around his chest tightened, forcing air out of him one word at a time in a raspy, muffled tone.

[00:22:10] Almost. Ready. I swung my machete, trying to cut what was left of Mark's body down, but they recoiled in response, pulling Mark tightly to the ceiling. As they squeezed him tight, a sound of anger came from his body. A thick limb swept the floor and knocked me to the ground.

[00:22:37] Roots reached down from the ceiling and grabbed my arm to pull me closer to Mark. I used my weapon to free myself. Every cut root leaked the metallic-smelling sap. Some of it fell on my face. It burned. The basement lights flickered and the HVAC began to roar.

[00:23:00] I needed to get upstairs, and I needed to wash off the sap before it burned too deeply into my skin. The roots chased me into the den. The trunk was twisting and thickening before my eyes. Its branches writhed as the exposed roots spilled over the pot and shot across the floor. Offshoots went into the air vents and covered the doors and windows.

[00:23:28] The tree itself was still quite small, with its exposed roots now beat red. I ran to the front door, grabbed the knob and twisted. Nothing. The knob would not turn. I looked down and saw the thin red roots threading through the edge of the doorframe. They had grown into the seams.

[00:23:57] I saw them flex and relax under the paint, like a vein under the skin. I tried to pull harder. The door may have shifted half an inch, just enough for the roots to tighten back the gap. I ran desperately to the back door. Same thing. The kitchen window was my next best bet.

[00:24:20] I had it open about two inches when roots shot out, grabbed it, and slammed it shut with enough force to crack the glass. Then red roots spread across the pane, weaving through the broken glass until there was no opening left. I stopped for a moment. Helpless. Waiting for the roots to take hold, but nothing.

[00:24:49] Then there was tapping. One inside the kitchen wall. One beneath the floor in the den. Two or three above me, in the ceiling. Back. And forth. The taps never seemed to happen at the same time, like they were waiting for the other to finish.

[00:25:15] Were they communicating or testing something? Maybe they were mapping the house, learning the exits, and closing them. I thought about the pot in the den. The stone with the roots displayed exactly how I wanted them. I thought about how I'd carefully shaped my tree. It was beauty through restraint.

[00:25:42] I failed to keep the tree contained. It found a bigger pot, and I was in it. Then the walls creaked, the floor under me gave a pop, and in the den, the leaves began to rustle. So, now I'm in my home office.

[00:26:07] I don't know if I want to slash my way through the window, or try my luck at destroying the part of this thing still in the pot. I don't know if that would do any more than anger it, but I think it might be worth a shot. I can still hear the branches and the leaves rustling when I hear the occasional tapping and creaking.

[00:26:30] Small roots are sweeping their way under the door now, feeling around, exploring the new space. I'm not waiting for them to find me. I'm going to make a run for it and destroy whatever is still in that pot. If you see this post, do not order seeds from any site claiming to have accelerated stock.

[00:27:00] If a box arrives without a postmark, do not open it. Do not give it soil. Do not give it water. Do not give it a pot. Do not give it a home.