"Frosty the DEADman" by D. L. Schindler | CLANCYPASTA

[00:00:00] Last Christmas, she gave me a heart. I opened the box, and there it was. I knew whose heart it was, and I was terrified that I would be next. I had only one chance for survival, and that was to give it away before the very next day.

[00:00:22] Now, the Hippodroof is a broom of many straws, according to the professor. My first encounter with it was at the morgue. I was called by the detective and asked to come identify the remains of my uncle who had gone missing while hiking a week before Christmas.

[00:00:39] On my way to the morgue, I thought I saw my uncle, but it must be I was just seeing things, for the man across the street was not my uncle.

[00:00:48] It was like getting splashed with a mud puddle when a car goes by the sidewalk. Except, he was crossing the street, and the beer truck didn't see him walking and just took him out.

[00:00:59] I got splashed pretty good. In shock, I just stood there dripping, but although I am terrified of blood, it is important to note that the gore could be completely removed from what happened, and it would still have happened and led to the next thing that happened.

[00:01:18] The police showed up, and I was the only witness. They decided to take me with them to the station while I gathered my recollections.

[00:01:26] I was taken to the station, and they had a station donation for the homeless that I was outfitted with clean clothes from.

[00:01:33] With a handmade Christmas sweater, I sat in the interrogation room and answered their questions and accepted a mug of hot cocoa.

[00:01:41] On the mug, I recall, was a picture of a jacked Santa lifting weights.

[00:01:48] It wasn't as bad as looking at the crime scene photographs of someone who was strangled to death with Christmas lights,

[00:01:55] or the charred body under a scorched Christmas tree that they had mistakenly left on the interrogation table.

[00:02:02] Those scared the hell out of me, so I looked away, trembling in terror.

[00:02:08] Since I was already needed by the police to identify the remains of my uncle, they then drove me the rest of the way to the morgue.

[00:02:16] There, I saw what was left of my uncle, who was attacked and killed by an escaped exotic pet.

[00:02:24] This one happened to be a polar bear wearing a scarf knitted with Coca-Cola bottles.

[00:02:30] Trackers had hunted the beast down and used tranquilizers to sedate it, and then they took it and returned it to its owner,

[00:02:37] since the owner is so rich that they will face no charges and have their property returned.

[00:02:43] That's the law, I suppose.

[00:02:45] Never mind the grisly remains, for I would not mention any sort of gore,

[00:02:50] since although I am personally terrified of blood, it could be removed from my statement completely,

[00:02:56] and my story would still be terrifying.

[00:02:58] What is terrifying, beyond the horrific mutilation and claw marks on his body, is the object he grasped.

[00:03:06] It was a strange doll he had found while hiking, and he was still holding it.

[00:03:11] The doll was like a little Mrs. Claus, but with a broom with half its straw missing.

[00:03:17] I took this and kept it, and when I encountered the professor who was visiting the morgue,

[00:03:23] he looked at it and told me it was called a hippodroof.

[00:03:26] Each straw would cause one dream to come true.

[00:03:31] Although it wasn't guaranteed it would be the dream you remember,

[00:03:34] or that it wouldn't be a nightmare you forgot.

[00:03:37] It would then be delivered, gift-wrapped by Santa.

[00:03:42] He then explained the rest of the legend.

[00:03:45] Anyone receiving a gift from this version of Mrs. Claus must give it to someone else before 9am on Boxing Day.

[00:03:54] Whatever was in the box, whether it was a fruitcake or a severed hand,

[00:03:58] would then be removed from their own body by New Year's Eve.

[00:04:02] Those are the rules, I suppose.

[00:04:05] Although there was a lot more to it, it just wasn't paying attention.

[00:04:10] He warned me that trying to get rid of the doll would have even worse consequences.

[00:04:15] The only option, now that I had inherited it, was to take a straw from the broom of the hippodroof

[00:04:21] and clutch it while falling asleep, waiting for Santa.

[00:04:26] I went home, took a shower, and tried to forget the awful day I had just had.

[00:04:33] I took some magnesium gummies, ate some wheat candy, and drank some blackberry-flavored sleepytime tea

[00:04:40] with all that warm milk swirling around in it to try to get some sleep.

[00:04:46] I slept alright, but had very disturbed dreams.

[00:04:52] I can't say what happened in my dreams, but I was so terrified and disturbed as bits of them came into my consciousness

[00:05:00] that I worried about trying to get rid of the hippodroof doll.

[00:05:04] I went back to the morgue, looking for the professor, and found two morticians arguing about something.

[00:05:11] One of them said,

[00:05:13] You literally cannot say hot frosty at the morgue.

[00:05:17] There's got to be some kind of law against it.

[00:05:18] This is your last warning.

[00:05:19] I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, and it is gross misconduct to even mention it.

[00:05:25] Excuse me, I interrupted.

[00:05:27] They both looked at me with red-rimmed eyes, scraggly, unwashed hair, and weird pasty lips.

[00:05:34] I shuddered, although their appearance wasn't frightening or disturbing,

[00:05:39] because how someone looks can never be called scary.

[00:05:43] That's just rude.

[00:05:44] No, I shuddered because I had forgot to wear my new old hand-knitted Christmas sweater,

[00:05:51] and the morgue was quite chilly.

[00:05:53] They just stood perfectly still and stared at me without blinking.

[00:05:58] I am looking for the professor.

[00:06:01] He was here yesterday?

[00:06:03] He?

[00:06:04] He?

[00:06:04] One of them asked.

[00:06:05] Well, yes, he actually mentioned he prefers he as a pronoun, I said.

[00:06:11] They conversed with each other in whispers before they responded in unison.

[00:06:15] You must have seen a ghost.

[00:06:19] Which, I decided, was the case, since the professor had suddenly vanished as quickly as he had appeared.

[00:06:26] While it might seem that this was a wholesome and friendly ghost, it wasn't, because the ghost had warned me and therefore cursed me with the knowledge of the hippodroof doll.

[00:06:38] If I'd never known, I'd probably have discarded it and dealt with some less horrifying consequences.

[00:06:45] As it was, it seemed the only way out was to go through with the ordeal.

[00:06:51] I bitterly left, knowing that not knowing would be safer.

[00:06:56] But now I knew, and that meant the hippodroof doll knew I knew, and I knew that it knew that I knew.

[00:07:05] So, I was screwed.

[00:07:08] He's not talking about Jordan Peterson, that professor is still alive.

[00:07:12] This one was a ghost, you moron.

[00:07:14] I heard them saying to each other as I made my bitter aggress.

[00:07:20] It seemed totally unfair that my horrifying Christmas ordeal involved some kind of convoluted, nightmare-turned-reality,

[00:07:29] while most jerks like myself just deal with an elf-on-the-shelf, TM,

[00:07:34] which is actually a licensed character and intellectual property used in children's books and cartoons,

[00:07:40] as well as something plagiarized and truly creepy.

[00:07:43] I don't know how someone could get away with telling their Christmas horror story while ripping that one off,

[00:07:50] while I get stuck with the real jazz.

[00:07:54] This thought made me realize I needed to consult the experts online.

[00:08:00] So, I went on Reddit and eventually found my way to NoSleep,

[00:08:04] a subreddit where about 15% of the stories were about Elf on the Shelf, TM,

[00:08:09] and other well-known Christmas creepiness.

[00:08:12] Unfortunately, there was nothing at all about the Hippodruff doll,

[00:08:16] an actual, real nightmare I was going to be dealing with in real life.

[00:08:24] My efforts to join a secret society of horror writers failed,

[00:08:29] when I realized they were all either narcissistic or idiotic.

[00:08:34] None of these jerks could help me, so I was well and truly kissed under the mistletoe.

[00:08:39] And by that I mean, I was probably going to die a horrifying death by evisceration

[00:08:45] sometime between Boxing Day and New Year's Day.

[00:08:51] I fell asleep munching on a carrot,

[00:08:55] the half-chewed bits just falling out of my mouth while I clutched it in one hand,

[00:09:00] and the straw from the broom in the other.

[00:09:02] It was Christmas Eve, and I tried to stay awake and wait for Santa.

[00:09:08] I dreamed about eating the carrot until my middle finger was in my mouth,

[00:09:14] as my hand had gone numb from the cold, frigid weather,

[00:09:18] and found it took about as much effort to bite through my own finger as it did to crunch the carrot.

[00:09:26] I don't recall dreaming about my heart getting ripped out of my chest, but I must have.

[00:09:33] I then decided who I would give my heart to for Christmas in order to lift the curse.

[00:09:40] I re-wrapped and re-gifted it, terrified and trembling the whole while.

[00:09:46] Not because there was scary gore, implying I would die horribly, yet I'm also afraid of blood,

[00:09:52] but because the whole situation was scary, even without the blood.

[00:09:58] I took the present to the morgue and gave it to the morticians.

[00:10:03] They were actually pretty thrilled, which is very creepy and disturbing when you think about it.

[00:10:10] I left it with them and wished them Merry Christmas.

[00:10:14] I was glad I was no longer a proverbial dead man as I coolly walked away, keeping it frosty and chill.

[00:10:25] They said together,

[00:10:27] Happy Holidays, Frosty.