CLANCYPASTA | "They Built a Pool in the Middle of Our Cul-De-Sac"

[00:00:00] They built a pool in the middle of our cul-de-sac, written and narrated by ClancyPasta.

[00:00:12] 1. Memo River Community Safety Board J. Maker 5 As anyone else got in that email

[00:00:29] about the pool opening up in the middle of the 9th Street cul-de-sac?

[00:00:34] It was from an official Memo River website and announced the beginning of construction

[00:00:38] on a deep diving pool in the middle of the asphalt.

[00:00:42] And I don't mean in the middle of the neighborhood or somewhere inside of the cul-de-sac,

[00:00:47] in the diagram it showed in the email, the pool would be drilled straight into the center

[00:00:53] of the road of our circular neighborhood, essentially creating a skinny roundabout

[00:00:58] and forced by a body of water right at the edge of everyone's driveways.

[00:01:03] I read the email over and over again, and I just can't find anything except the shocking

[00:01:10] contents to make me think this isn't legit.

[00:01:15] Someone please show me what I'm missing.

[00:01:21] Tom W. Underscore Bangle I live on 11th Street

[00:01:27] and yeah I just checked and I've got the same thing.

[00:01:30] This has gotta be a joke right?

[00:01:32] I mean if it ain't, it won't matter much to me.

[00:01:35] I don't live on the cul-de-sac.

[00:01:40] Memo River Moderator No jokes allowed at the Memo River Community

[00:01:46] Safety Board.

[00:01:48] Haha, just kidding.

[00:01:49] We love to laugh and spread the joy of warmth and water with the community's children,

[00:01:55] which is exactly why we're opening up the Memo River Community Scuba Cave.

[00:02:00] You see, the body of water will serve two functions.

[00:02:04] First, it will serve as a fun kitty pool for all our little spud-links to float around

[00:02:08] it.

[00:02:09] And second, and unlike most kitty pools, it will be hundreds of feet deep and will be

[00:02:15] built in the image of one of nature's beautiful underground caves.

[00:02:20] So while your kids are splashing it up and hitting each other with those little foam spaghetti

[00:02:24] noodles, train Scuba diving personnel will be swimming and excavating hundreds of feet

[00:02:29] below.

[00:02:31] It'll be great for the kids.

[00:02:32] And the city board thinks it'll rake in a projected $200 over the summer in profit

[00:02:37] for the city.

[00:02:38] As a win-win, folks!

[00:02:43] J-Maker 5

[00:02:46] Wait, what?

[00:02:48] It's a Scuba Cave now?

[00:02:51] When you said, train Scuba diving personnel will be swimming and excavating hundreds of

[00:02:56] feet below?

[00:02:57] What are they going to be excavating for a public pool?

[00:03:01] And how in the world can the city afford this?

[00:03:04] And by the way, have any of you at the city come out here and look at our neighborhood?

[00:03:09] The cul-de-sac is tiny as it is.

[00:03:12] There's no way you're going to be able to get the equipment out here, let alone the

[00:03:16] room and resources to dig out something of that size and nature.

[00:03:21] I still can't believe what I'm typing.

[00:03:24] I'm still open to someone explaining the joke for the love of all things holy.

[00:03:33] Tom W.

[00:03:34] underscore Bengals

[00:03:37] How much will the tickets be in Wednesday opening?

[00:03:40] I've got to mark my calendar, LOL.

[00:03:45] J-Maker 5

[00:03:48] I wish I could laugh with you Tom, but this is more than a little unnerving to me.

[00:03:53] If they even attempt to try to make this thing happen, they're going to destroy the whole

[00:03:58] neighborhood.

[00:03:59] I'm still struggling to wrap my mind around what they're thinking.

[00:04:06] Memo River Moderator

[00:04:09] No worries, folks!

[00:04:11] All will be explained in due time.

[00:04:14] The first thing you've got to understand for everyone to be on the same page is that

[00:04:19] our children need their son.

[00:04:21] The summer is coming up and they've just spent all winter in spring hobbled up indoors,

[00:04:26] soaking in the last morsels of their vitamin D reserves.

[00:04:30] And by golly, they just might start to shrivel up themselves if they don't start getting

[00:04:33] some sunlight.

[00:04:35] So come on by tomorrow morning, this Sunday, bright and early at 6 o'clock to be first

[00:04:41] in line to the new community pool.

[00:04:47] J-Maker 5

[00:04:48] Alright, does anyone know how to get into contact with anyone else from the city?

[00:04:55] I've tried calling the number on the Memo River City Council website but I think everyone's

[00:05:00] already gone home for the day.

[00:05:01] I just need to report some sort of hacking incident, given that this is obviously a troll.

[00:05:09] They showed their hand when they announced that the pool will be opening tomorrow morning.

[00:05:14] Nice one!

[00:05:15] You really did get me?

[00:05:18] Better longevity next time.

[00:05:24] Memo River Moderator 6am alert

[00:05:33] The community river cave of the Commonwealth brothers of Memo River in Saints has officially

[00:05:39] opened.

[00:05:41] Come on by and see the 20-foot tall diving board.

[00:05:44] We've had it tested with our professional city scuba team, and they say it's tall enough

[00:05:48] to get you down to the depths of the Earth's crust and gentle enough for your two-year-old

[00:05:54] child's fragile bones.

[00:05:56] And if your child does happen to slip down below and end up a few dozen or at most hundreds

[00:06:02] of feet below the surface of the water, there's always going to be a team of trained personnel

[00:06:07] going on about their business in the depths and they'll be able to scoop any stragglers

[00:06:12] up and bring them to the surface in safety.

[00:06:15] Though, if you or your child does reach beyond a certain depth, be forewarned that they

[00:06:23] will be forced to remain at that depth until their body has adjusted enough to begin making

[00:06:29] their way back to the surface.

[00:06:32] Going about this any other way, except with extreme care and caution, could result in catastrophic

[00:06:38] decompression sickness.

[00:06:42] But there is no need to fear.

[00:06:45] For you or your child will be equipped themselves with an oxygen tank and scuba gear and will

[00:06:51] be tied in our ways for the benefit of the community.

[00:06:55] If you or your child then decides to swim back to the surface afterwards, that will be

[00:07:00] up to them.

[00:07:02] But staying with the saints and continuing the excavation and search for the great artifact

[00:07:08] will be of utmost importance to them by then.

[00:07:12] They're calling by the four saints having become known to their hearts and revelation

[00:07:17] of the secret buried deep down to the depths of the underworld.

[00:07:23] But there is one way and one way only to find the way back.

[00:07:29] The way towards the Almighty Declaration of the Ruler of these secrets.

[00:07:35] And that is to follow the directions of the one sent to this land before us, and follow

[00:07:41] the blueprints laid out for us and see to it that all is commemorated in the glory and

[00:07:47] will of the four saints.

[00:07:50] And...

[00:07:51] Keep digging and then dig some more until it is found.

[00:07:57] It...

[00:07:58] The unspeakable unknown.

[00:08:02] For all that we do know is the material shell in which it will occur.

[00:08:08] A crystalline quartz chest finished with a golden lock.

[00:08:14] And proof of our divine right.

[00:08:17] We brandish this key that was presented by the Forst St to our founder in the depths

[00:08:23] of all pride and security.

[00:08:26] A key that sparkles of solid silver that would fall light as a feather from the founder's

[00:08:32] hands, as testified by the saints in all promise.

[00:08:38] And see that in the will of the four saints all of this will come to pass.

[00:08:44] And more.

[00:08:50] After the grand ribbon cutting ceremony at 8 a.m., we'll be serving ice cream with an

[00:08:55] alternative of honeydew for those trying to watch the calories.

[00:08:59] Have a great memo river morning!

[00:09:07] Daymaker 5

[00:09:11] I don't even know where to begin.

[00:09:16] I got up this morning to usual routine, brood some coffee, portable of cereal, turned

[00:09:23] on the TV to catch the local news.

[00:09:26] And when I opened my living room shades, I about had a heart attack.

[00:09:32] The pool is there folks.

[00:09:34] It's around circular pool about 75% the size of the cul-de-sac.

[00:09:40] So there's a little room of asphalt left on the sides, I guess.

[00:09:47] Facing the road that leads into the cul-de-sac is the diving board, which indeed extends to

[00:09:53] a shocking height into the sky given how skinny and narrow the pool is.

[00:09:59] As I looked out, there was a guy in an official looking suit drilling a signpost into the asphalt.

[00:10:06] I grabbed a pair of pants and slid it on as I ran out the door.

[00:10:11] The man was basically finished as I got near him.

[00:10:14] And it was then I could finally read what it said.

[00:10:18] The community cave of the saints and sons of memo rivers blessed few.

[00:10:27] The sign was what looked like a molten copper cast.

[00:10:32] I wasn't disbelief.

[00:10:36] The official looking guy wore a bund up navy blue suit with a slightly brighter blue tie

[00:10:43] and a big black mustache.

[00:10:46] I asked him what this was all about, and he was happy to tell me.

[00:10:50] And slightly different but borderline identical words, exactly what the memo river moderator

[00:10:57] wrote out above.

[00:11:00] All of it, with great emphasis on wanting to know if I'd like to join the scuba diving

[00:11:06] school they're opening up in the city hall to become one of the students.

[00:11:12] After telling a few times over that I will think about it, I tried to ask him more questions

[00:11:19] about what the hell he was talking about.

[00:11:22] I asked him who the saints were.

[00:11:25] He said, the saints are the select few with a founder has revealed the sacred silver key.

[00:11:33] It is apparently kept under great secrecy as to where it's located and only about ten

[00:11:38] guys have ever seen it.

[00:11:41] As to what the key does, I asked him.

[00:11:44] Well, he couldn't say much more than he already said earlier.

[00:11:49] It'll open a great artifact buried hundreds of feet below the earth by the four saints,

[00:11:54] and this artifact looks something like a large crystal quartz chest with the sparkling

[00:11:59] gold lock on the front that only the sacred silver key can unlock.

[00:12:06] Asking him what was in the chest, I would get the same thing every time.

[00:12:14] Only the founder could know.

[00:12:18] To repeat, he wouldn't say the founder does know.

[00:12:22] He would say only over and over again that only the founder could know.

[00:12:30] Interesting.

[00:12:32] So finally I asked him who this founder is, and he told me that he wasn't able to say.

[00:12:41] I asked him who would be able to tell me, and he said that no one would be able to tell

[00:12:47] me because the only ones who know are the saints, and the saints are sworn to secrecy.

[00:12:56] I paused for a moment, looking into the reflective surface of the newly minted pool that was

[00:13:03] according to the plan, apparently hundreds of feet deep.

[00:13:09] I then asked him the identity of the saints, to which he told me that too was under an

[00:13:14] order of secrecy.

[00:13:17] When I asked him if he could be called a saint, he froze and wouldn't speak to me another

[00:13:25] word.

[00:13:26] He simply grabbed his power drill, his tool back, and trotted off to his car and drove off,

[00:13:34] leaving this pool in the middle of our cul-de-sac.

[00:13:39] I tried to look into the pool as an ocular measure of its depth, but I couldn't see more

[00:13:45] than the sun's reflective hue.

[00:13:48] I kept trying to tell if the water looked a little murky, but the reflection kept me guessing.

[00:13:55] Eventually I walked back inside my house dumbfounded.

[00:14:01] I still don't know what to think.

[00:14:08] 2.

[00:14:16] A private message arrived in Jason's Memo River Community Board inbox.

[00:14:22] He noticed it around 20 minutes later, about 5 o'clock in the afternoon.

[00:14:29] It was from Memo River Moderator.

[00:14:33] Jason felt his heart begin to thump just a little harder than it had been all day, as he

[00:14:39] opened the message.

[00:14:41] Hello, J-Maker 5!

[00:14:44] We've been enjoying reading your input on the opening of The Community Cave of the Saints

[00:14:49] and Sons of Memo River's Blessed Few and would love to talk in person.

[00:14:55] Feed us outside by the diving board at midnight for a heart to heart.

[00:15:00] We can promise all questions will be vanquished by the morning, and we'll have some pizza

[00:15:06] laid out for all to enjoy.

[00:15:11] Jason couldn't help but look suspiciously past the computer through the window to the

[00:15:18] diving board ladder sticking up like a tower marking the man-made lake like a monument

[00:15:24] in the middle of the cult sack.

[00:15:29] He hadn't seen a single person visit the pool and didn't expect him, any thinking person

[00:15:35] would be creeped the hell out by such a bizarre happening he thought.

[00:15:40] Eventually he looked back to the computer.

[00:15:46] After considering his options he exited the page and then the web browser, there was

[00:15:54] nothing to say if he was going to be talking in person that night.

[00:15:59] So we decided to just wait till then.

[00:16:06] At about a quarter till midnight, he looked out the window again.

[00:16:10] His shades had been drawn since 7 and the sun had long since set.

[00:16:16] The night was black beyond the glass of the windows but there was a little glass lantern

[00:16:21] set atop a plastic white folding table with that same official looking moustache-yote man

[00:16:27] in a suit from earlier.

[00:16:31] After a while's hesitation, Jason put on his shoes and stepped outside.

[00:16:38] Luckily the nighttime temperatures had been rising lately so it had only gotten into

[00:16:44] the upper 60s.

[00:16:47] The moustache-yote man picked up the lantern immediately upon seeing the man exiting his house.

[00:16:54] The lantern lowered in the man's hand down to the other side of the table, illuminating

[00:16:59] a box of local pizza.

[00:17:03] We've got pepperoni my friend.

[00:17:06] The cheerful man called out.

[00:17:08] Nice.

[00:17:10] Well I'll grab my slice in a minute.

[00:17:15] The two men stood in silence, raised from the lantern casting enough for a reflection

[00:17:21] across the face of the water.

[00:17:24] Eventually, the man spoke.

[00:17:31] We've been reading your comments online.

[00:17:35] Jason interjected with, so you round the memo river moderator account?

[00:17:42] There was a moment of silence and the suited man seemed to slouch a little.

[00:17:49] It's a group effort.

[00:17:51] Now we wanted to know just what exactly you think is going on here.

[00:17:58] Jason raised his eyebrows and scoffed a little.

[00:18:04] You want to know what I think is going on here?

[00:18:07] How about you tell me what is going on here, and then we'll talk about what I think

[00:18:11] because right now I don't know enough about anything to know anything.

[00:18:17] The man nodded his head slowly, and then slowly turned around, putting his back to Jason

[00:18:23] and facing the waters.

[00:18:28] You know tonight is a very special night, Jason.

[00:18:35] The man fished a small pebble from his pocket and held it up to his eye.

[00:18:41] And then after another moment, he kissed the stone and tossed it into the pool.

[00:18:49] He continued,

[00:18:53] Tonight the founder revealed to the saints of this land a prophecy.

[00:19:00] A prophecy that I've been assigned to share with you.

[00:19:08] The man had not moved an inch since departing with the stone, and Jason just stood and bewildered

[00:19:14] him.

[00:19:17] Is that so?

[00:19:19] A divine order, eh?

[00:19:21] He scoffed.

[00:19:24] As a matter of fact, yes, the man responded in all seriousness.

[00:19:32] Silence spread itself out across the cold asset and not even the cricket stared at your

[00:19:39] The man looked up into the starry sky and continued.

[00:19:47] Any amoon ago in this land now known to the suns and the saints as memo river, there

[00:19:56] lived the sacrifice in peace among the community.

[00:20:01] In joy to nature but naive to its purpose.

[00:20:07] And this sacrifice did encounter another problem for this sacrifice existed itself in two

[00:20:15] worlds, in two times at once.

[00:20:21] At once the sacrifice existed 400 years ago and at once the sacrifice lives now.

[00:20:33] And at once the sacrifice has been restored, renewed to the glory of the four saints

[00:20:42] in the crystalline treasure of the ruler.

[00:20:50] The suited man stopped speaking and sighed a great sigh.

[00:20:55] He then said, Jason, come stand beside me.

[00:21:04] Fascistly but curiously, Jason began to make his way to the edge of the pool.

[00:21:14] Once there he looked over to the man's face.

[00:21:18] His eyes were closed, his face contorted into a focused strain.

[00:21:26] Jason, are you here?

[00:21:31] He whispered.

[00:21:34] Uh, yeah I'm right here.

[00:21:38] You responded in a quiet nervousness.

[00:21:43] Let the four saints be quenched, were the last words to leave the man's lips before

[00:21:50] the artificial ocean before them erupted in an explosion of water and lightning and sounds

[00:21:58] of the nature and blast of thunder.

[00:22:01] The heavens howled and swirled itself into a tornado, entwined with the water of the lake

[00:22:08] and to a portal from one heaven to the next.

[00:22:12] And as Jason was carried away at once into the cavernous chaos of the body, he had no time

[00:22:19] at all to understand the extremity of sensation that bombarded him.

[00:22:25] It was as the last of his consciousness began to slip into the next.

[00:22:30] The decide came back before his eyes from the dark wet nothing that had consumed him in

[00:22:37] time.

[00:22:40] A crystalline chest floated through the murky waters up to just before his face and he

[00:22:48] watched as the gold lock had slid off like it was never locked at all.

[00:22:54] And the chest began to crack as its slid ever closer toward his eye in the whole scene

[00:23:03] faded to black.

[00:23:12] Three.

[00:23:13] The crowd was gathered after the ringing of the town bell tower commenced for the first

[00:23:23] time in 50 years.

[00:23:27] Surrounding the pool, the people watched as a group of deep sea divers pulled out with the

[00:23:32] aid of many ropes and machines.

[00:23:35] A large chest that looked pearlescent white in the murk and filth that covered it, ordained

[00:23:42] with a golden lock.

[00:23:45] The chest was immediately covered with a velvet red cloak and when it was revealed again

[00:23:51] just moments later, the lock was no more.

[00:23:56] As the city officials scrambling through the crowd reached the chest they tilted it

[00:24:01] open slowly.

[00:24:04] After many gasps and mumbling, the suited man stepped up to address the crowd.

[00:24:13] At long last we have found the artifact.

[00:24:18] The artifact promised by the four saints and our founder to the saints of this land.

[00:24:24] We are proud and unworthy to present to you the discovery of the bones of our forefounder.

[00:24:34] And at this, the chest was tilted up and towards the crowd so that they could see the shiny

[00:24:41] pearlescent bones that laid inside the undisturbed tomb.

[00:24:48] Just as the prophecy had told us of the sacrifice, the sacrifice of our great founder who

[00:24:56] hath cut across all time and to hath cut across all space to deliver yourself in new structure

[00:25:04] to the saints and the founder.

[00:25:08] In all faith and obedience, the form of your true self, your ability to transmutate any

[00:25:16] flesh and any bone into your flesh and your bone.

[00:25:22] In the honor of your great glory.

[00:25:26] Let us feast upon the flesh of these bones, of the bones of the sacrifice you've laid

[00:25:33] before us, as we grind you down into dust and breathe in the life you've given.

[00:25:43] All light up one at a time to be the first to taste the dust of the bones of our king

[00:25:52] and be the first to taste eternal life.

[00:26:17] I hope you all enjoy tonight's original Clancy Pasta story and episode.

[00:26:22] If you did, I'd really appreciate it if you would give it a like, subscribe or follow

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[00:26:27] Let me know what you thought in the comments below.

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[00:26:38] show and helping me keep getting these out.

[00:26:42] It's been a little while since I've written a story and this was a fun one to write.

[00:26:47] I'd love to hear what you all thought of it because it was also a little bit of a different

[00:26:51] one as well.

[00:26:52] And huge thanks to all of my supporters on patreon and youtube members, you were all amazing.

[00:26:58] I love you.

[00:26:59] I could not do this without your support.

[00:27:03] So thank you all for the final time for listening.

[00:27:06] And I will see you all next time.

[00:27:09] Cheers.